Would You Rather...Apocalypse Version
For years, people have been playing the "would you rather" game, where one is forced to choose between two roughly equally-unpleasant scenarios. (Would you rather eat a bowl of tomato soup strained through a vagrant's beard or eat a kidney bean-sized chunk of his ear wax?) The game is usually good for some laughs, but I'm about to ruin the fun by posing a question that will require hours of serious soul-searching:
Would you rather, this season, that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series or the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl?
The Case for Why It Would Be Worse for the Vikings to Win the Super Bowl:
A. WHY IT COULD HAPPEN THIS YEAR: Adrian Peterson breaks every running back record in the book. Key off-season acquisitions on offense and defense come through huge. Tarvaris Jackson has a breakout year and guides to glory a team that is solid at almost every other position.
B. HISTORY OF INEPTITUDE THAT WOULD BE ERASED WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP: The Herschel Walker Trade. The 1999 NFC Championship Game. Losing four Super Bowls in eight years.
A Vikings Super Bowl win would render unusable a Packer fan's best bar joke. (Empty pint glass of *Miller Lite into mouth. Place empty pint glass upside down on bar, turning it slowly. What is this? The Vikings' trophy case!)
*If you have been served Grain Belt beer, follow each step of the joke above but empty glass directly into toilet.
C. MOST HATED MEMBER OF TEAM: John Randle, Cris Carter, Chris Hovan, Randy Moss, Ragnar and his horn
D. FANS: The average Vikings partisan, with some exceptions, is a total fair weather fan. They seem to care more about needling Packer fans than being loyal to their own squad. Now that the Vikings have lost to the Packers in the season opener, you will notice that sightings of people wearing Vikings gear has dropped 75% from a week ago. In fact, as a public service to prevent stampede injuries, I am legally obligated to remind Vikings fans that the line to jump off the bandwagon forms to the left.
The Case for Why It Would Be Worse for the Cubs to Win the World Series:
A. WHY IT COULD HAPPEN THIS YEAR: The Cubs lead the division and have had the best record in the National League for much of the year. Great hitters. Great pitchers.
B. HISTORY OF INEPTITUDE THAT WOULD BE ERASED WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP: The legendary collapses of 1969, 1984 and 2003 (may God bless and keep you, Steve Bartman.) A century-long championship drought.
C. MOST-HATED MEMBER OF TEAM: Carlos Zambrano, Lou Piniella, Sammy "Corky" Sosa
D. FANS: They think they are adorable and America loves them even though their team is just the National League's answer to the Yankees. They think that mumbling drunk Harry Carey was endearingly quirky. They think Wrigley's ivy is something cooler than just weeds on a wall. They're the loyal, lovable losers. The "Cubs" - even the team name is cutesy.
ANALYSIS:
A. The Cubs are more likely to win the World Series this year than the Vikings are likely to win the Super Bowl. That probably isn't even debatable. ADVANTAGE: Cubs
B. While losing all four of the Super Bowls they're ever been to is hilariously pathetic, it pales in comparison a 100-year streak of heartbreak. ADVANTAGE: Cubs
C. The Cubs and Brewers have only been division rivals for a few years. Packer fans have generations of intra-division hatred for the Vikings. ADVANTAGE: Vikings
D. If you think Cubs fans are obnoxious now when they invade Milwaukee, just imagine how bad they'd be next year wearing "2008 World Series Champs" shirts. The thought of Cubs fans at Miller Park in 2009 parading around in those shirts and "Re-elect President Obama in 2012" buttons makes me want to jump off a bridge. As nauseating as it would be to see a Vikings fan wearing a Super Bowl Champs shirt at Lambeau, one could take comfort in the fact that said fan would be pummeled to death by 70,000 people wearing green and gold. Cubs fans positively take over Miller Park and they'd be more than happy to rub it in. ADVANTAGE: Cubs.
Conclusion: I would pick the Minnesota Vikings winning the Super Bowl as the less horrible of the two options. But I'm aware that a compelling case could be made for the other side. Trousers readers, the floor is yours.
Would you rather, this season, that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series or the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl?
The Case for Why It Would Be Worse for the Vikings to Win the Super Bowl:
A. WHY IT COULD HAPPEN THIS YEAR: Adrian Peterson breaks every running back record in the book. Key off-season acquisitions on offense and defense come through huge. Tarvaris Jackson has a breakout year and guides to glory a team that is solid at almost every other position.
B. HISTORY OF INEPTITUDE THAT WOULD BE ERASED WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP: The Herschel Walker Trade. The 1999 NFC Championship Game. Losing four Super Bowls in eight years.
A Vikings Super Bowl win would render unusable a Packer fan's best bar joke. (Empty pint glass of *Miller Lite into mouth. Place empty pint glass upside down on bar, turning it slowly. What is this? The Vikings' trophy case!)
*If you have been served Grain Belt beer, follow each step of the joke above but empty glass directly into toilet.
C. MOST HATED MEMBER OF TEAM: John Randle, Cris Carter, Chris Hovan, Randy Moss, Ragnar and his horn
D. FANS: The average Vikings partisan, with some exceptions, is a total fair weather fan. They seem to care more about needling Packer fans than being loyal to their own squad. Now that the Vikings have lost to the Packers in the season opener, you will notice that sightings of people wearing Vikings gear has dropped 75% from a week ago. In fact, as a public service to prevent stampede injuries, I am legally obligated to remind Vikings fans that the line to jump off the bandwagon forms to the left.
The Case for Why It Would Be Worse for the Cubs to Win the World Series:
A. WHY IT COULD HAPPEN THIS YEAR: The Cubs lead the division and have had the best record in the National League for much of the year. Great hitters. Great pitchers.
B. HISTORY OF INEPTITUDE THAT WOULD BE ERASED WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP: The legendary collapses of 1969, 1984 and 2003 (may God bless and keep you, Steve Bartman.) A century-long championship drought.
C. MOST-HATED MEMBER OF TEAM: Carlos Zambrano, Lou Piniella, Sammy "Corky" Sosa
D. FANS: They think they are adorable and America loves them even though their team is just the National League's answer to the Yankees. They think that mumbling drunk Harry Carey was endearingly quirky. They think Wrigley's ivy is something cooler than just weeds on a wall. They're the loyal, lovable losers. The "Cubs" - even the team name is cutesy.
ANALYSIS:
A. The Cubs are more likely to win the World Series this year than the Vikings are likely to win the Super Bowl. That probably isn't even debatable. ADVANTAGE: Cubs
B. While losing all four of the Super Bowls they're ever been to is hilariously pathetic, it pales in comparison a 100-year streak of heartbreak. ADVANTAGE: Cubs
C. The Cubs and Brewers have only been division rivals for a few years. Packer fans have generations of intra-division hatred for the Vikings. ADVANTAGE: Vikings
D. If you think Cubs fans are obnoxious now when they invade Milwaukee, just imagine how bad they'd be next year wearing "2008 World Series Champs" shirts. The thought of Cubs fans at Miller Park in 2009 parading around in those shirts and "Re-elect President Obama in 2012" buttons makes me want to jump off a bridge. As nauseating as it would be to see a Vikings fan wearing a Super Bowl Champs shirt at Lambeau, one could take comfort in the fact that said fan would be pummeled to death by 70,000 people wearing green and gold. Cubs fans positively take over Miller Park and they'd be more than happy to rub it in. ADVANTAGE: Cubs.
Conclusion: I would pick the Minnesota Vikings winning the Super Bowl as the less horrible of the two options. But I'm aware that a compelling case could be made for the other side. Trousers readers, the floor is yours.