"Who's Making Paper Over There?"
Men getting married worry about what it's going to be like to not be able to date different women for the rest of their lives. But honestly, the thing I've missed most is the time I got to spend with my guy friends. All the gross jokes and insults you throw around casually - trust me, those don't really work on your wife. Then again, if you never really dated multiple women before you got married, you don't really have anything to miss. For you, long gone are days like the one in college where you begged one of your ugly platonic girl friends to make out with you, just so you could see what it was like - and got turned down. (Don't worry, there's at least a three percent chance that never happened to me.)
Anyway, I was in the car for a long ride with some guy friends last week, and it all came back to me. Long car rides are the birthplace of some of the best guy conversations. Naturally, the silence was eventually broken by some giggling and the rolling down of the window. You can figure out what the need for fresh air means. This act led to the following exchange:
"Damn man, are we in Kaukauna?"
(Editor's note - Kaukauna, Wisconsin has a number of paper mills, which makes it smell like the inside of Gilbert Brown's colon after a hard boiled egg eating competition.)
Laughing: "Hey man, are you making paper in your ass?"
More laughing: "I hope they're making toilet paper in your colon, because you're going to need to wipe after that one."
And on and on it went. Pure comedy gold. That's what I miss.
And on a somewhat-related note:
Is there a more thankless job than working for the Kaukauna Chamber of Commerce? Exactly what is their motto to attract people to live there?
"Kaukauna: After a Year, You Don't Even Notice!"
"Kaukauna: You Smell Good By Comparison!"
"Kaukauna: You'll Be Drunk on the Way Back From the Packer Game, So Then Might Be a Good Time to Visit!"