Cutting Down Religion
I have to say, this is a little spiritually unsettling. You don’t normally think of religions as having to deal with the normal constraints of modern day life – after all, God created the world – you’d think the bank might cut him a little slack. (Or God could try the old "mail the phone bill to the gas company and vice versa" trick that worked so well in college.) So it's hard to think of something so sacred and powerful having to deal with real people problems. It's like recognizing that Natalie Portman occasionally has to poop. Anyway.
Seeing as how the Church is in charge of my post-life accommodations, I thought I'd pitch in and offer a few cost-saving techniques to help them out:
1. Eternal salvation now accompanied by $20 processing fee;
2. Number of times you’re allowed to take the Lord’s name in vain capped to rate of inflation;
3. Partial insertion no longer a mortal sin;
4. Confession now accompanied by two-drink minimum requirement;
5. Smaller rosaries, quicker penance;
6. Archbishop hat size reduced by 30%;
7. Fire in; brimstone out;
8. Guilt-free Thursdays;
9. Members of the same sex can marry, as long as they’re not gay;
10. Communion now features Thunderbird fortified wine;
11. Baptize three kids at once, get the fourth free;
12. God orders sub-prime mortgage loan on the Vatican forgiven;
13. 15% tax on bad comedian jokes about growing up in Catholic household;
14. Catholic schoolgirl uniform must be returned by strippers after third use;
15. Basilica renamed the "Hooters' Christ Hut;"
16. Details of Vatican scheme to control the world's money supply sold to the Weekly World News for $100;
17. Coveting neighbor's wife legal with the purchase of any two Pope Benedict pilates videos.
That's it. That's the list.
As a "thank you," the Church may now begin paying me my long-overdue Altar Boy pension. I spent years ringing those damn bells, it's payback time.
UPDATE: As it turns out, this post belongs in the "Bad Timing Hall of Fame," given today's revelations about past priest behavior in Milwaukee. Nothing funny about any of the documents released.