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Bask in Bumper Sticker Wisdom

I regularly have occasion to drive on Madison’s isthmus, which is home to the worst liberal bumper stickers on the planet. Below, I have listed the top ten most egregious. I originally planned on ranking them from least to most obnoxious, but that was simply too difficult. Therefore, we have a ten-way tie for the title of Most Obnoxious Bumper Stickers I Have Seen In Madison.

“COEXIST” (spelled out with various religious symbols) - If some of the followers of the religion represented by the crescent moon “c” on your cute little bumper sticker would stop hijacking planes and blowing up buildings, coexisting would be a little easier.

“A PBS Mind In a FOX News World” - This particular bumper sticker is positively oozing with smugness. “God, I can't stand being surrounded by these Wal-Mart-shopping, NASCAR-watching, deer-hunting troglodytes. How can these country-fried rubes allow themselves to be spoon-fed White House talking points from Bill O’Reilly? They must not be smart enough to enjoy watching some dusty old Brits mumble through a clunky drama on PBS like I am.”

“Live Simply So That Others May Simply Live” - The airheads with this little chestnut on their bumpers are confusing simple wordplay with incredible profundity. This bumper sticker sounds really deep until you realize that a.) it doesn't mean a damn thing and b.) the dork in your office who asks if you’re workin' hard or hardly workin' is making an equally clever play on words.

“Bush/Cheney 1984” - Because the Bush Administration has turned America into an Orwellian dystopia where a totalitarian government throws thought-criminals into gulags. Earth to the under-30 crowd that has this sticker on your bumpers: the Patriot Act is for keeping tabs on terrorists. The feds don’t give a damn about eavesdropping on your phone conversations about ultimate Frisbee.

“Pro-Child, Pro-Choice” - I’m for the kids, but I’m also for aborting them willy-nilly too. This bumper sticker has the intellectual consistency of “Pro-Ants, Pro-Raid."

  • A close runner-up in the worst abortion-related bumper sticker goes to “Against Abortion? Don’t Have One.” (Against Robbery? Don’t Rob People!)

  • Dishonorable mentions: “Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries” and “Keep Your Laws Off My Body.” Ugh.

“Health Care Is A Right” - Says who? This one perfectly captures the entitlement mentality of liberals. I am owed whatever I want and someone else is going to pay for it.

“Defend America, Defeat Bush” - On the list of Threats to America, I would rank “Terrorists” in first place and “President Bush” in 436,957,647th place just below “Crabgrass.”

  • Runner-Up in the worst I Hate President Bush Category: “Bush Knew.” That one is so positively unfair I don’t even know where to start.

“Defy Corporate Domination” - I spotted this gem on the rusty bumper of a Honda Civic on November 8th. Chances are you have never heard of Honda, but its a small automobile-making co-op based out of Mazomanie.

“Remember Katrina. Fight Global Warming” - Fight it with what? Nunchucks? Me attacking global warming like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, you driving a Prius or the U.S. signing the Kyoto Protocol all have the same effect on changing the earth’s temperature: zippo. I started mocking all the angles on this bumper sticker and it started getting too long. Look for a thorough dismantling of the fraud that is human-caused global warming in a future post.

“Peace Through Music.” - Trouble in the Sudan, you say? Send in State Street’s bongo-playing hippies. They’ll calm things down. Al-Qaeda insurgents wreaking havoc in Iraq? I’m sure Mr. Johnson’s fourth-hour band class can get in there and straighten things out.

There you have it. The ten worst bumper stickers I've seen in Madison. Got an entry of your own? Post it and your pithy retort in the comments section.